Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Person that says I love you first looses



It really seems that way, especially if the person that says it first it the girl. Guys usually act like it gives them a pass to show their natural ass. Unfortunatley there are guys out there that think...if they say I love you first or even says it at all that they are somehow a punk, a sucka, sprung on some pussy. I don't understand this logic. It is a beautiful/natural thing to be in love with someone. Being in love isn't anything to be ashamed of, or makes you a punk, but unfortunately that is the way a lot of guys, hell even girls feel that way. I know I do. I would love to tell the person that I have feelings for that I love him first, but I just can't. I feel like I loose. Or what if he dosen't feel the same way about me, dang that would be crushing.

BTW This post is for me not yaul. LOL

Monday, September 21, 2009

When the "X" Boyfriend Comes Back!



When you least expect it, after you have moved on from a love that hurt you....the "X-boyfriend" comes creeping back in your life. He tells you all the things you want to hear. He does all the right things and somewhere, somehow, you forgot about all the reasons you left his punk ass. The next thing you know you are face down sucking the dick that used to be yours.

Girlfriends...I promise you please listen to my words....that nigga is your "X" for a reason. As soon as you let him dust the cob webs off that pussy, that nigga will be right back to showing his natural ass! And the next thing you know you are back in an emotional rollercoaster, back into a whirlwhind of bullshit that you swore you would never get back into.

We've all heard the saying... if he was meant for you he will come back to you. I say fuck that shit! Remember all the hurtful things that he has done and stick to your original decision...to leave that nigga alone. See while you were apart he was thinking about you. Of course he was, your the bomb, and you probably treated him like the King he ain't! So he came back to see if he can get it back in the way he used to. Don't fall for the okey doke! You sent that nigga packing for a reason!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Consequences of Getting Some Good Dick


Yaul saw the Whitney Houston special on Oprah. I have one question for Whitney...was the dick that good!? I have had some good dick and I hope all you ladies out there that have had some good dick will agree...AIN'T NO DICK IN THE WORLD STRONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO DO SOME CRACK. Lol. Whitney said it herself..."Crack is Wack".

In Whitney's defense Bobby Brown was the shit in the 90's I ain't gonna lie. Yaul remember how all the ladies wanted to have his nigga's baby cuz of his dance moves...pumping and thrusting in the air. All you ladies know Bobby was trying to show you what he was working with. We all knew he had some good dick! So many women wanted to have this nigga's baby, and so many women did!

I know women that Good Dick turned them from a "Phenomenal Woman" to a "stalking, calling all hours of the night, fighting baby's mamas, loosing your job from missing days at work trying find this nigga" type of a woman. If you are not a strong person...Good Dick will make you loose your mind! And if you don't know Jesus and have a good social network of girlfriends or gay friends...your ass will be just like Whitney!

You will be the one locked in a room free basing. Living with spray painted eyes on the walls, getting cussed out, publicly humiliated. You'll be the one threatened, slapped, lose your talent. You'll be the one spending all your money on that nigga and his hoes, get skinny as hell or fat as fuck from stress! And if he is a Good Dick Nigga that is a true ass hole you might just get spit on. (WTF? I wish a nigga would spit in my face in front of my kid! Bobby would have been on the floor trying to figure out that the fuck just happened. He's lucky all she did was bob him on the head and make nigga bleed.)

Moral of the story is ladies....learn from Whitney's mistake...Beware of the "Good Dick Nigga"!

Holla

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sexing While on Your Period


This was a topic of discussion with my girls on who does and who doesn't fuck while bleeding. Personally I am oh so horny when I am on my cycle. I am a dick junkie when I am cycling. I just can't get enough of the dick. Depending on who my partner is, if he is down to fuck when my red river is flowing... shit I am down too. Its just wet to them until you turn on the light and the bed looks like a crime scene. LOL.

My girls think their pussy should be quarantined during "Aunt Flow's" visit. Their pussy is on lock down for 5-7 days. Why sex during your period? Because it feels good damit.

How to successfully get yours when you are on your cycle? It does take a little planning. First off...you can't go sexing your dude if your cycle is flowing like Niagra Falls. If you want to fuck on a day when you wearing those 3 inch thick pads, now is not the time! If you fuck on a day like that...your bed will look worse then when Ricky got shot in "Boyz in the Hood."

You have to do it on a day when you aren't having a heavy flow. Put a towel down on the bed or where the action is going to take place. When you are done take a shower or wipe the pussy down with baby wipes. If you wear pads be sure to pull your panties down on the side of the bed and kick them under the bed so he doesn't see all that is going on. If you wear tampons pull it out and discretely wrap it up so it doesn't stain or is visible.

Finally climb on the dick and do your thing. If your a rookie then you probably think I'm nasty cuz you just don't know any better. You veterans...yaul know what I am talking bout.

Friday, September 4, 2009

An Embarassing Intimate Moment


An embarassing intimate moment....How about having toilet paper stuck in the crack of your big ole ass! LOL That shit is funny and we can all laugh about it now, but at the time, that was moment of pure embarassment. Have you ever had a sleep over with your man and you had to go pee in the middle of the night and chose not to even turn on the bathroom light? Mostly because you are so wore out and tired from the sex you just had? Well that has definately happened. When my man woke up and I was laying in bed naked with my back turned to him thinking I was sexy. He rubbed on my backside and told me I have something in the crack of my ass? OMG! Talk about a Kill Yourself moment! (Thankfully we were together for a long time and this horrible exprience wasn't with some dude I was newly intimate with.)

I can't imagine what my boo must have thought. I mean what does that say about me? That I don't know how to wipe my own ass properly? LOL. What is says is never use the restroom at your man's house and he invests in the cheap ass toilet paper and not the two ply Charmin. Now to avoid this situation ever ever happening again, I bring my own vagi wipes and take them with me to the restroom, or leave them at my man's house. And for some strange reason if I don't have any available I always double check in the mirror. Yes I spread my cheeks to make sure it's "all clear." I have to make sure I don't have any left over charmin in the crack of my ass. LOL LOL LOL.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Tasting the Forbidden Fruit


Yaul know what the hell I'm talking about...dating under aged youngings. First of all it ain't dating if you are a grown ass person dating a kid that's under 18. You are a child predator. Personally I don't see what the fascination is for dating a young girl. Yeah these little chicas are growing up faster and faster these days and they got more tits and ass than "Big Mama." But come on! They are immature and can provide no conversation. And lets face it most of their couchies smell like fish and yellow crayons!

I say its wrong. Furthermore if parents know their teens are dating a grown ass person..and dosen't do anything about it, they are an unfit parent and should be sodomized and raped in jail like their kids are being done. I hope they all catch a case! How can any grown ass man, fiddle and fondle some little semi-clean labias housed in hello kitty panties? And for you women doing this...how can you fondle little semi-hairy nads that ain't even dropped yet?

I can't even do it! Wait till those little fast girls and little niggas get 18 before you shoot them the number and get them face down ass up! For real this shit gotta stop!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Kill Yourself Moments



Everybody knows your boo is a hoe, yet you still fuck this unfaithful person without a condom! Kill Yourself.

Don't blame it on the alcohol. You fucked at random because you are a freak sober. Kill Yourself.

You say you only date girls with pretty feet. But your feet look like you have diabetes. Kill Yourself.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Taking a Dump at Your Man's House



Ok ladies we have all kicked it at our man's house and then boomb! Out of nowhere we get the "bubble guts". You know what I am talking about. That rumbling in your stomach with the urgency to either pass or gas or worse you got to do number 2 maybe even a number 3. What do you do? Do you kiss your man goodbye and drive to the nearest restaurant? Or do you just say "Fuck it" and blow his bathroom up!

I think we all have been in this position a time or two. Personally...I'd rather shit in his toilet that shit on myself. My recommendation...Use the Flush as you go Dookey method. This method works.! The essence of your anals don't permiate the entire bathroom! Some other things you can do is...if there is a window open up the window before you let loose. Keep perfume in your purse and spray that when your done instead of toilet spray. If you use bathroom spray..that is a clear indicator that you was shitting in his house! And you don't want that!

The reason this is even an issue is that whether or not we want to admit it guys want to view you as sexy all the time. They want to be left wondering....does she even pass gas? Them knowing you got the dookies is anything but cute. But they can shit all up in your toilet though huh?

Holla

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Let Him Kick Rocks!


There are men who walk away from you. When a man walks away from you: LET HIM KICK ROCKS. I don't want to try to talk a man into staying with me, love me, call me, care about me, come to see me, stay attached to me.

When a man walks away from you LET HIM KICK ROCKS. Your future is never tied to any man that left. If your man leaves you it's not that you weren't woman enough, it isn't because you didn't give him your all. It just means that their part in yoru life is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your life is over.

Remember...If a relationship takes too much effot, we don't need it, it ain't for us. Stop begging men to stay. LET HIM KICK ROCKS!

The More You Know



You can have the best pussy in the world and a man will still leave you! Sex dosen't keep a nigga!

It dosen't matter what a man can do for you. It matters what you can do for yourself.

Make sure the qualities you want of your boo are qualities you posses yourself.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Kill Yourself Moments


You want me to suck your dick and you have the same drawls you had on yesterdy? Hell to the naul. Kill Yourself.

You let your man borrow your car, and you find out he went to see another girl in your car. Cut that nigga, then Kill Yourself.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Kill Yourself Moments


Your bragging on how good and loyal your man is with your co-workers. You and your co-workers go to lunch and your man is at the restaruant with some fat white woman. Kill Yourself.

You tell your girlfriends you wish your man would disrespect you. He comes to your job, causes a big scene, and cusses you out to the point security had to call the police. Guess your wish came true. Kill Yourself.

You live at your girlfriend's mama's house and your driving a Lexus? Kill Yourself.

Dating Black Men Vs. Niggas


Are you getting sick and tired of dating black men? Are you thinking to yourself maybe I need to start dating outside my race because I can't get a decent black man to treat me right? Chances are you've been dating niggas.

There is a difference between dating black men and dating niggas. Lets run through some characteristics of a black man vs. a nigga.

Chances are you are dating a nigga if:

1. He has a "hustle", always partying, drinking, hanging out all hours of the night.
2. He has a history of baby's mamas and/or bad relationships. Majority of his adult life he lived with "his prior girlfriends".
3. He is in and out of jail his adult life.
4. Doesn't have legitimate/reachable goals and aspirations. ie: he wants to play ball or be rapper and he is in late 20's early 30's.
5. He always has some major drama in his life. He's mad at the world and gets overly irritated with little things.
6. He feels threatened by your success. Might feel you are constantly going to leave him because he has low self esteem.
7. He goes out of his way to comment on things he knows make you insecure about yourself. He comments on other women's appearance in your presence.
8. He wants to spend your money til his next gig comes up. (Yet he never pays you back.)
9. He deletes all his cellular communication. (There is never any call history on his phone.)
10. He never wants to go anywhere with you unless you pay or you are going to his family or friends house.

Chances are you are dating a black man if:
1. He has a legitimate 9 to 5 job.
2. He drinks, smokes in moderation. His friends are of like nature.
3. He financially supports his children and spends time with them on a regular basis.
3. He may have a few bad relationships but he still speaks of his ex-girlfriends with respect.
4. He has learned from the mistakes of his youth and hasn't been to jail in his adult life.
5. He has realistic professional goals, to advance his career and earning potential. 6. He supports and encourages your success in life.
7. He compliments your beauty and your imperfections.
8. He doesn't like to borrow money from you, he enjoys taking you out on the town.
9. He accompanies you to your social functions.
10. He doesn't hide his cell phone or is concerned with you going through his phone.

The lists for both types of men goes on and on. Bottom line is Niggas ain't shit, never been shit, and never will be shit. Black men are men of quality, doing something with themselves, and treats women with respect. Learn to identify the difference of dating a black man vs. a nigga and you will be much more successful in your relationships. Don't write black men off just stop dating niggas!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The More You Know





You can go to jail for having anal sex. It is illegal in most states.

Your man masturbates even if you give him ass on a very regular basis.

You will loose your girl to the other women you bring in the threesome.

The BFF That Turns Into a Trifling Ass Trick!


Have you ever had a best friend, a girl was with with you through the thick and the thin since you both were in training bras? The girlfriend who comforted you during the high school breakups? The homie that held your hair back when you were throwing up after college parties? The devoted friend who you thought would stand by your side when you married your soul mate? Then somewhere between your college days and as you reach your thirties you see each other less and less? She avoids your calls? You hear she is talking shit behind your back? You realize somewhere down the line she became a trifling ass trick?

As we age, we evolve, our personalities change, our priorities change. Problem is as we change it isn't always for the better. Next thing you know you guys have less and less in common and have grown apart. You start to see your friend in a different light. You realize that your closest friend, just ain't worth our time anymore. She isn't the quality person you once thought she was. At some point she became a trifling ass trick.

That loyal friend you once had now runs her mouth about you for no damn reason telling random people all your private business and darkest secrets. That down ass chick starts acting salty with you when you get something new and great in your life like a good paying job, or a good man. That soul sista that used to uplift you when you were going through struggles in life starts to take pleasure in kicking you when your down.

You see these signs and address them with your friend. You try to find out why she is acting this way. She then acts stupid, tells you, you got the problem. You think you are all that cuz you got all these great things going for you. Why put up with her shit? Why continue to put up with the disrespect, humiliation, and salty feelings from someone you've know for so long?

I say fuck em! No one is worth being stressed over, especially since she ain't fucking you. Identify the signs when your BFF becomes that trifling ass trick. Cuss her ass out, scratch out her extensions if it will make you feel better. But please, please stop fucking with that trick!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Its Called Self-Esteem Biatch!


I watched the show More to Love last nite. That is some funny shit right there. This is basically a show for Low-Self Esteem white girls. These girls are running around crying how they can't get a man, no one wants to be seen with a fat girl. They act like they have one eye, a cleft palate, a chicken wing arm, with foot to mouth disease.

WAKE UP GIRLS! Your just fat, big boned whatever. Get over it! If you have self esteem and walk around like you the shit, brothas will think you are the shit! Learn to dress for your size. Flaunt what you are working with. If you got big titties..tastefully display them. Keep your hair, feet, and nail game up. If you got a pretty face, seem pleasant, and approachable, you will catch some play. But nobody can teach you self-esteem! In the words of Katt Williams...it's called self-esteem Bitch!

If I were a guy I wouldn't want to date half of those girls on the show because they don't have confidence and self-esteem which men equate to needy and whiny. Who wants a broad like that right?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Should Women Give out Broke Passes?


With today's economy being like it is. For some women it seems to be harder and harder to find a "stable" man. I don't care what color he is. When is it ok to give a brotha a "broke pass"?

What is a broke pass? A broke pass is when you decide to give a man an exception for not being on top of his financial game. Now the "broke pass" isn't for the nigga who has too many "ain't gots." He dosen't have a combination of things like he "ain't got" no car, he "ain't got" his own apartment, he "ain't got" a job.

Now that we know what the "broke pass" is and how to use it we can run through some examples. And you decide whether or not you would give a brotha a "broke pass" and still date him.

Example One: You meet a mildly attractive 26 year old guy, he has his own car, a job, but he has roommate because he can't afford to live on his own. Would you give him a broke pass?

Example Two: You meet an attractive man, he has a job and going to school but he has no car. Apparently he doesn't make enough money to get a car. Would you give him a broke pass?

With today's economy being the way it is...should we successful women lower our standards, our expectations and give brothas "broke passes?" You decide.

My only advice is..if you give him a broke pass don't let that nigga bust nuts in you. You definately don't want any babies by a brotha that ain't got his financial game together!

Men...You CAN EASILY BE REPLACED!


This post is for all the men out there. I am going to write this post drawing references to basketball so men can understand. It seems to be a trend that you men just don't realize how replacable you truly are. You think women come a dime a dozen. Yeah maybe they do.

But us women can recruit a point guard, a forward, and a center to our team with the simple effort of a short skirt and some red pumps. Please don't get it twisted! We are with you cuz we are digging you, we like your style, and your company. Now if you take advantage of our good nature and you don't want to play this one on one game of monogomy.... we will definately bring a nigga off the bench and trade your retired ass to a looser team!

See men what you fail to realize is when you have the chance to be the starring player on this team, my team, you get all the endorsements of my family and friends, you get the media attention of being with one of the baddest bitches in the game, and you get the hollywood treatment by yours truely. When you are signed on my team you know you are the best, and if you play your game right you can get a "championship ring" that has a commitment for forever.

Now when your head gets big and other wack ass coaches aka "those raggedy bitches" want to recruit you to their team.... Promising you money, sex, whatever, and you decide to "give those coaches a try...." I figure since you want to hoe yourself out there I will definately make you a free agent and cut you from the squad. But you will never ever get the opportunity to play for this team again. You lost your shot at a championship ring. And you got to pay me a penalty for not fulfilling your contract. By the way no one will care what team you were transferred to cuz they don't compare to the team you were on.

And remember you will easily be replaced before the end of the night because it is every niggas dream to get recruited to this championship team!

Holla

Sense #6 Sight


One of my personal favorites and the easiest to achieve. Unless the brotha is blind he can see all the goodies and this the easiest and most affect way to arouse a man! My advice is not to try so hard. The 1980's lace embroidered teddy shit is played out!

Lets face it niggas are simple creatures and only require simple tactics to get what you want out of them. We no longer have to invest in expensive Victoria's Secret matching bra and pantie sets. It takes nothing more than to be topless with some booty shorts to get him to give you the business. And girl if you go the extra mile and get lip gloss and heels....you will be sitting on his face with the quickness.

If you want to spend the loot on lingerie more power to you, it is still effective, but for me...I have had the same success with Victoria's Secrets as I have had with Target booty shorts. As long as you show a little tittie or show a little ass, he will be on his hands and knees giving YOU head!

Sense # 5 Smell


Lets face it when you see a fine man and you are up close with him brush up to his neck. And he is smelling better than big mama's sweet potato pie on Soul Food Sunday? Girl you just want to tear his clothes off!

I'm no scientist but I know an appealing smell stimulates arousal! So the same goes for us. I believe a guy thinks if something smells good it must taste good. Umm hum..he can go down on you all nite with just the right scent. However too much of a good thing can give the wrong results. A guy can think dang you put on so much perfume you must be hiding a scent or something down there. Or he might not want to get too close to you because your scent is so strong it is choking him. So my advice...Just put enough smell goods on your body to make him say dang..I want you.

Don't forget to smell good every time he sees you, I don't care if the two of you are just going to take the trash out together. You may not realize it but your scent stays with him...on his car seat, on his sheets, on his shirt. If you have a pleasant smell, your scent will linger with him always, and he will always think of you when he smells your perfume and moments you shared together.

Trust me a sweet scent goes a long way!

Sense #4 Touch



Touch is the most important sense . The touch stimulates arousal. But don't limit your "touching" him to just your hands. Touch him with your tongue, touch him with a feather, cold fruit, ice, whatever. Touch him with something warm or switch it to cold. Just don't' be afraid to think outside the box and touch touch touch touch him.

Or better yet touch your damn self! You don't need a man to get yours girlfriend. You know what you like and sometimes the the best orgasm to have is given when you touch your damn self.
Holla.

Kill Yourself Moments


You just went to the bathroom and you want me to suck your dick? Hell to the nawl. Kill yourself.

Your boo thang takes off his pants and he isn't wearing any drawls? Not a good look. Kill yourself.

You in the club fighting over a dick that don't belong to you? Kill yourself

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sense #3 Use Your Head (Be Creative)


Use your Head. Unleash your creative side. You should know your cuddy buddy, if you don’t then skip this section. Maybe he likes your breasts. If he does be creative rub his dick between those tiggle biddies. If he loves your lips...be creative. Rub his dick across the perimeter of your lips and across your face! He will love that shit! Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Just be creative!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Kill Yourself Moments


Why do you have pictures of your ASS as an avitar or profile picture on internet sites? Kill yourself!

You shaved off all your pubic hair on your nuts. Pause. Your nuts look strange. You shouldn't have done that. Kill yourself!

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?


We have all heard this expression. But what does it really mean? Why would a guy want to be in a committed relationship with you, when he can get the botty for free? I have been guilty of this a time or two.

Have you ever met a guy you had great chemistry with, you go out have a nice dinner or two, watch a couple of flicks together? You just connect. You have the discussion about relationships and you let him know you are looking for someone special and he says he is too. Then the next thing you know you are face down ass up with him in your apartment and you think you are now dating exclusively.

Now the weekend dates are during the week and you are sexing more than you ever went out on dates. You mention that your friends are having a get together and invite him to go and then BOoMB! He tells you he isn't ready for a relationship and that commitment stuff. You are stunned and amazed he said that shit to you after you shared intimate moments together and after he said he wanted a relationship.

Honey you just got duped. Bamboosled. Hoodwinked for the pussy. He then switches it up and tells you that he does want a relationship just not right now, or he is focusing on his career and dosen't need any distractions, blah blah blah. Naw nigga you got the pussy now you don't want to be exclusive so you can see what else is out there. Or you got the pussy and you like fucking me hanging out with me but now you realize I'm not "that girl" your searching for.

Ladies I have been through this and my advise to you is DON'T CUT THAT NIGGA. DON'T BE SALTY ABOUT THE SITUATION. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN. If he dosen't want to be in a relationship with you...tell that nigga to kick rocks. Remember you are the shit and you can get new dick even if you can't find food to eat!

Learn from your mistakes. If you really feel a connection with a new guy, make him wait for the pussy. If you feel he could be your "Prince Charming" "The One". Then he has the rest of your live to beat that shit from the back. Don't be in such a rush to give him all the goodies. Make him give you that commitment first and work for the pussy. That way you won't feel used, lied to, confussed when you don't get the commitment you were looking for.

And remember if you are in this situation don't fool yourself by thinking that he will come around and give you the commitment you want if you just keep being nice, or keep giving him pussy, or if you just this or that. This only reinforces his bad behavior.


I'm not giving away no more free milk!

Holla

Sense #2 Sound


Lets face it. It is a major turn on when you hear sexy noises during sex. Whether it is you or your partner making the noise. So my advise.... Moan Girl Moan! It definitely makes things better when the guy hears that you actually enjoy sucking his dick.

Talk Dirty to him! Yes you can talk while sucking dick. That dosent’ mean to talk with your mouth completely full! LOL. Stroke his ego and his dick. For example you can say something corny that you know he will love such as, “I love putting my lips on your big thick dick Daddy.” He loves to hear sexy things like that when you are being intimate.

Talking is great however talking does not mean ask him 21 questions. This is not the time to ask him if he likes the way you suck his dick, or ask him how if feels. His focus/your focus is to get him to climax! No one wants a pop quiz when their trying to get an Orgasm. The only acceptable question you should ask while sucking his dick is if he is going to cum. (Especially if you don’t want sticky white baby makers in your mouth.)

So todays lesson let him hear those sexy words, the moaning and groaning, it will make sex ooh so much better.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Kill Yourself Moments


You just used the public restroom and you walk straight out the stall and leave without washing your hands. You hella nasty. Kill Yourself.

You decide to wear white bottoms and your ass looks like someone got a bag of nickels and started fucking the back of your legs up! Invest in some Spanks then Kill yourself.

Sense #1 Taste



Remember dick shouldn’t taste rank! If it does…leave that shit alone. If you read the safety first section you more than likely you will not have to taste a rank dick!

For some reason guys want to feel as though he tastes good and you are getting soggy drawls from sucking his dizzle. Don’t have any expressions on your face that lets him think you don’t like the way he tastes. Granted, I’ve never had the dick Lil’ Wayne talks about that tasted like a lollipop, but there are things you can do to improve the taste of his dick.

Purchase honey dust in any flavor you desire by a company called “Kama Sutra”. It’s like $18 you can buy it online or at your local Longs store. The honey dust is a flavored powder that you can use the feather brush that comes with, to dust across his entire dick, balls, or whatever you intend on putting your mouth on. This can improve the taste of the dick, without any adverse affects on your cuddy buddys dick like burning, etc. If you don’t want to spend that kind of money…think of the honey dust as an investment, he can use it on you later. Or you can bring any flavored fruit, sauces, or creams you desire. However, please be careful, you don’t want that stuff to irritate him or you when you sit on his dick later.

Lick that pre-nut girl! While your doing it be sure and give him feed back that lets him know his dick tastes better than Popeye’s chicken! Lick your lips slowly from top to bottom to let him know you enjoy tasting that sticky bodily fluid coming from his dick head. Now if you are the type of girl to let him cum in your mouth…and you are a “Spitter”... Don’t spit his juices back at him, that lets him think you don’t like the way he tastes. (See section “To Spit or to Swallow for further techniques.)

Using 6 senses for Fellatio


Everybody uses their senses to get them aroused whether they are conscience of it or not. So this week is dedicated to the 6 senses of Fellatio. Yes I said 6 not 5 senses. Lets explore the 6 senses together and see how we can use them to give and receive the "Ultra Head Experience."

Sunday, July 12, 2009

You got to be 7 inches or more to ride this ride


Most women would agree that size defiantely matters. We all see the male enhancement commercials that are advertising pills and other products to help increase the size. Does it work? Is it necessary? Well I am no physician so I can't say if it works or not but I know for sure it is damn necessary for some brothas.

When you are going to have sex with a guy for the first time it is like Christmas morning when you are about to open up a beautifully wrapped gift. But sometimes when you open up that perfect package...you are disappointed because the gift wasn't the right color or size. Well I have opened my share of men's packages only to be disappointed. This dick isn't my size. This dick is too small, this dick won't fit.

I personally am offended that a little dick nigga would even have the nerve, the gaul, the gumpsion to even pull down his pants to give me his gift like I would want that little shit! I want sausage not little vienna wiennies. Bottom line...you have to be 7 inches or more to ride this ride. So little dick niggas get no love from me. I don't give a damn if you can work your dick better than R. Kelly in a bump and grind video. If you ain't got the size you ain't got shit to work with.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Field Trip to the Porn Shop


So for laughs and giggles me and the girls took a field trip to one of our local porn shops on the "Latin" part of town. I swear everytime my girls go to places like this we meet new and exciting people and are amazed at the level of freaky people seem to be on.

So we are browsing through the dildo section and we come a cross a section where there were seperate little cubicals. I ask one of the store workers what was back there. He said it was private video rooms. I asked why do they have to be private? As soon as I said that a man comes from the video room adjusting his dick and zipping up his pants. Me and the store clerk look at each other and start busting up laughing. I was like clean up on aisle 9! Eeeew gross. I then began interviewing him what he finds in those rooms. He said he finds condoms, fluid, etc. He says because people are off the chain with their shannagins back there, that he makes sure only one person goes in at a time. No sexing in his shop. And he gives people 30minutes to do their shopping and get the hell out. I laughed.

We came across some interesting material dildos with 1/2inch prickly do dads on them that looks painful. But the most shocking is that this store had a full selection of pregnant porn and sex toys for pregnant woman. I was like whoa! I guess the pregnant lady has to get hers too. But to see pregnant ladies getting all dug out on the porn cover just seemed like too much for me. Those men should be ashamed busting nuts on the babies head and stuff. LOL.

Took an Aids Test-It was a horrible experience!

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Ok so I'm all about trying to have a safe sex life and decided to go into Kaiser for an "Aids Test". My doctor told me before I could take the test I had to speak with a counselor. I'm like for what? All they are going to do is draw some blood right? Wrong. I had to speak with this counselor and she played 21 questions with me. I mean she was all up in my personal business. I bullshit you not when I tell yaul the questions she asked me:
  1. How many sexual partners have you had in the your life?
  2. How many sexual partnesrs have you had in the last 6 months?
  3. In the last 6 months have you or your partner used marajuana, ecstacy, cocaine, etc.
  4. Do you practice oral sex? (hells yes I am Madame Fellatio lol.)
  5. When you practice oral sex do you let him ejaculate in your mouth? (I was like WTF? Do you let your nigga come in your mouth?)
  6. Do you have anal sex?
  7. Do you have anal sex then oral sex without a condom. (hell naul I wouldn't let nobody put their dick in my ass. And if I did I damn sure wouldn't turn around and lick my own shit!)
  8. To your knowledge has any of your sex partners had same sex intercourse? (Hell naul I'd kill a nigga dead if I found out he was on the down low lady!)
  9. Do you let him ejaculate on your body & skin surfaces? (What the hell kinda question..)
  10. Have you ingested semen in the last 6 months? (At this point this nurse must want me to slap her.)

I felt so violated with the line of questions. I even had to look at her chart a few times to see if the questions she was asking me was ligitmate. I felt like telling the lady. Look...I'm a grown ass woman doing grown ass things just take my blood so I can get the hell out of here!

The nurse even gave me homework to do before I return next week for my results. WTF HIV homework? She wants me to go and take a shower with my current partner and inspect his goodies and report back what I find. I was like WTF are you kidding me? First off I am "Madame Fellatio" ok I always "inspect the dick"! She was treating me like I already had the disease without even taking a blood sample!


Needless to say since this is Kaiser's practice.... this will be the last HIV test I'm taking from them. None the less I don't want to discourage anyone from taking sexual responsibility and knowing their HIV status. It's important. Just find a facilty that works for you!

Holla

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Face Down Ass Up

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
This is one of my personal favorites. For both oral and regular sex but is this an acceptable position for "him" to be in? Most guys like to have their balls sucked, licked and even stroked with the fingers. And if the girl really knows what she is doing...she will even lick that area that leads from the balls to the ass. Now having said that the face down ass up position for him seem logical right?

Personally, I see the face down ass up position of submission. Lets face it..its a bitch position. That is why a lot of guys will say "hell no I won't do that I ain't gay." Well they all say that at first. LOL. So if I can get a nigga comfortable to get oral pleasure face down ass up I feel like youz a bitch and I'm running shit. Now if my oral game wasn't on point I know they wouldn't even consider it.

Ladies step up your oral game and see if your man will let you get him face down ass up.

Holla

Kill Yourself Moments


Your 40 years old and married ten years and you don't know how to suck a dick? And you still wonder why you are getting a divorce.....Kill yourself.

You don't wear clean panties because you didn't think you were going to fuck today? You nasty. Kill yourself.

You scratching your ass in public trying to play it off like you got a murphy. Wash your ass then...Kill yourself.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Passing Gas During Sex

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Passing gas aka "shitting on yourself." One of the most embarassing acts that can happen to an individual while sexing. Your bumping and grinding and the next thing you hear is rrrip. Sweet Jesus someone just shitted on themselves! What do you do? If it was your "boo thang" do you pretend you didn't hear it and keep trying to reach your climax? If you were the guilty party..do you say excuse me and hop off the dick in shame?

And what about queefs? You know that embarassing noise the couchie can sometimes make when there is too much air going in and out. Well I tell no lie I have definately queefed, and I think guys expect that would happen from time to time. So in my exprience it hasn't bothered them they keep doing their business on top of me. LOL

However I do remember a nigga that would be on top of me shitting on himself with every stroke. At first I played it off. Then when it kept happening I was like hell to the naul. I told him he had to get the hell off of me and get some bean-o in his system. How the hell he gonna be gassing on me while I am trying to get mine? Gross. I wish I can say I never got the business from him again, but I would be lying. What can I say the dick was good.

Moral of the story is...if you have the bubble guts...don't have sex.

Holla

Pole Dancing For Jesus?!

(Click on the title to view.)

We are in the last of days! Please watch then pray for this guy cuz he going straight to bottomless pit!

Cold, Hot, & Super Wet

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Just like guys like wet warm pussy, guys like a super wet mouth. The goal is to make your mouth feel like your pussy. It has to be wet. So if your giving your “boo thang” oral pleasure and your mouth is getting dry here are some techniques to use.

Drink cold water before you suck dick. It will keep your mouth, tongue, and lips hydrated. If you find your mouth is getting dry…Deep throat. It will automatically produce more saliva in your mouth. I’m not a scientist, I just know what works. I promise it will rain in your mouth if you deep throat.

You can also add a temperature change. Make your mouth cold. Keep a glass of ice near the bed, or ice cream, or whatever is cold and put it in your mouth for a few seconds. Then suck or lick his dick he will love the cold sensation. Don’t be afraid to switch it up cold, then hot.

But whatever you do it must always be wet. So if you have a problem with keeping a wet mouth deep throating may be for you. Also, you may want to consider dropping saliva down on his dick, in a sexy way let him see you do it and swirl your tongue around it on the dick head and shaft. He will love that! If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch a porno.

Book Review: Sexual Abuse & How it affects our Sex Life

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
This is a discussion of the book "Push" by Sapphire. This is a book that Tyler Perry and Oprah are turning in to a movie called "Precious" in the fall.

This book is a bout a urban obese teen that was abused by both her mother and her father. The things that this girl endured straight sickend me. Not only was her father finger banging her and sticking his dick in her at age 3, her fat mother was making her eat her stank ass pussy as well... This poor child even had two of her father's children starting at age 12!

I don't want to spoil the book for anyone so I will stop there. But what truely makes me mad is that the system failed her. She should have been yanked by CPS with the first kid. The book really made me stop and think of how many children are out there being abused behind closed doors, how adults see the signs of abuse, and ain't doing a damn thing about it. No young child should ever have to endure what this young lady went through.

Unfortunately, the abuse and early sexual experiences with her parents mold her relationships and sexual behavior for the rest of her life! I wonder how many women are uncomfortable with sex, ashamed of their bodies, homosexual, bi-sexual, or maybe even bonified freaks because of sexual abuse.

If you were a victim of sexual abuse, let me begin by saying I'm sorry that this happened to you and encourage you to get some counseling or join a support group of women with similar experiences. If you have struggles with overcoming this abuse and/or have intimacy issues please seek out help you deserve to have a happy and satisfying sex life!

I encourage everyone to read this book and go see the movie this fall.

Holla.

Friday, June 12, 2009

To Spit or to Swallow?

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
That is the question
Make your decision on who you are prior to sucking his dick. Are you a Spitter, a Swallower, or are you a That nigga ain’t gonna bust in my mouth type of girl? The definitions of these titles are self explanatory. Whatever you are don’t be hoodwinked into being something that you are not! If you are a That nigga ain’t gonna bust in my mouh type of girl, don’t let your cuddy buddy, your home girls, or whoever convince you to be a Swallower or vica versa. You are who you are!

Spitters. For some reason you have chosen to let a nigga bust in your mouth but you don’t want to swallow it. I never quite understood this. Your still tasting his “man juices”, it’s already in your mouth, why not swallow? No judgments here I am just asking. Moving right along. I am going to share with you some lady like techniques to handling his juices in your mouth.

Lets face it spitting isn’t lady like to begin with. So how to spit out his juices like a lady? For one don’t hawk a semen luggie back at that nigga! That lets him know you don’t like the way he tastes. Remember everything you do, you have to stroke his ego. So my recommendation…have a towel ready, turn your head and spit that shit out! (without noise of course). Or you can put your hand in a fist and remove, not spit, his juices from your mouth into your fist and go the restroom.

Swallowers. You believe in the philosophy you can’t get pregnant if he comes in my mouth. I see the logic. You are often viewed as the freaks so you have a reputation to uphold! You got to let him know your goal from the gate is to have him bust in your mouth and down your throat! This automatically turns him on!

That nigga ain’t gonna bust in my mouth girls. You have it made up in your mind that sperm in general is acid and you don’t want it near you. Well let me assure you sperm is not acid, but I can totally understand why you don’t necessarily want it in your mouth but lets try new things. Lets consider letting your boo come on your breasts, your ass, or more importantly, your face! Let him come on your face and when he does act like you were so aroused that you were going to come too lol!


Whoever you are the only way to truly give him the Ultra Head experience is to let him come on a body part, preferrably your face, and in your mouth regardless, if you are a Spitter or Swallower. I know the That nigga ain’g gonna bust in my mouth girls are disappointed, but maybe you aren’t ready to give him the true Ultra Head experience. If so, that’s fine, when your ready, you will know what to do.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Salty Nuts = high blood pressure


Black people already have high blood pressure. So lets stop adding to the condition. Brotha's soak your nuts! Since no scrotum clarifying shampoo and nut astringent products exist, your going to have to go the extra mile to keep your nut sacks clean.
I admit that when performing the art of fellatio that the nuts are often missed. I am trying to educate the ladies on that, will do so at a later time. But my theory on why we aren't putting a spit shine on the nut sacks is that them motha f**'s ain't grade A clean!
Brothas why don't you try some nut cleaning alternatives. How about getting a bath instead of a shower for a change. Soak your nuts in soap and water. How about trying a foam soap that gives a rich lather then let the nuts marinate in that soap for a minute. How about trimming your nut sack hair. Hairy nuts are never ok. How about getting a shower more than once a day, at least right before your boo thang comes over.
Brothas if you practice these hygiene suggestions, you can save a life. No one wants high blood pressure from sucking on salty nuts!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Stains in the Underware is Never Ok!


Come on we are all adults here. There is no need for chocolate stains in our intimate apparel. Ladies we are all human and I think someone would be lying if they said they never had an "menstrual accident" at one point or another in their lifetime. So when you do stain the panties what do you do? Do you through them away? Do you you bleach the hell out of them and wear them again? Well I for one say ditch those panties. Throw them away. All the bleach in the world never really gets the stain out. You never know when your man might see these panties. How many of you have seen that show on MTV where people pick a date with you based on what they find while rummaging through your personal stuff? Well I have and I have seen more than one episode on a girl with stained drawls nationally embarrassed cuz the dude went through their panty drawer. Now those ladies could have actually had menstruation stains, they might not have been dookey stains, but does the guy care? Hell to the nawl! He only thinks you don't know how to wipe your own ass properly. Which means your nasty. Nobody wants to lay with a nasty girl. So just throw the stained drawls away! If you choose not to...well I hope your boo thang never goes lurking through your panty drawer.

P.S. To all the brothas...the same advice goes to you too. Wipe with a moist towelette if you have to. There are no excuses for you to have dookey stained drawls.

I'll Holla

You got to inspect the dick


Ladies before performing the art of fellatio....you got to inspect the dick and its surroundings! It starts at the man-panties. YOU take off his man panties! First things first. You check the crotch of his drawls. If they got shit stains new or oldplease don’t suck this niggas dick he can’t even clean himself properly and got the nerve to share his dirty dick with you!

Look at that niggas dick. This is your opportunity to see if you want to fool with this nigga at all. If he ain’t got the size you want…leave that dick alone! If his dick has more bumps than a Nestle Crunch Bar…leave that dick alone! If it has patchy discoloration like he is black and the patch on his dick is neon pink…leave that dick alone! If the dick has scratch marks on it…leave it alone! That nigga has been scratching the shit out of himself for a reason, he got something. If anything is oozing or has pus, please leave that dick alone.

Smell the dick. If it smells rank like an old ham sandwich and chitlings…leave it alone! If his dick smells like he just went pee pee on himself. Leave it alone! He doesn’t know how to wipe his pee pee head properly. If his dick smells like perfume…that’s suspect…he might be trying to cover an odor of somekind. Use your best judgement on that one.

Don’t forget to check the balls! If he has too much hair…leave it alone. You can’t properly inspect the area if it is so hairy you can bungie jump off his nut sacks. Remember balls sweat and stink. If you add a gang of hair on the balls that means the balls will be even more stinky and sweaty. Not to mention bugs, lice, crabs, etc can reside within that bush! Use caution!

Most importantly…these are just guidelines of safety. Some dirty dicks might not have any of the above issues so always use caution. And remember…if he has a combination of any of the above things. Please leave that dick alone and refer him to a free clinic.

When did the game change?

What happened to the time where brothas were gentlemen towards a lady and courted her properly? What happened to the days when a brotha would ask a lady out to dinner and a movie, give her a kiss on the cheek and expect nothing else? What happened to dating only one woman at a time? Well I tell you what happened....Billy Dee Williams that's what happened.


He pioneered the game, he made light skin with good hair the standard. He was a man of mystery, suave, looked good, and knew what the women wanted/needed. He was the type of man that made your grandma take off her panties, then ask Jesus for forgiveness on Sunday morning. Don't believe me ask your granny. Oh yes that Billy Dee and all brothas like him in his era are to blame.

All the ladies wanted him and he knew it. Instead of choosing one lady to court, he choose a few at a time. Instead of Billy Dee competing for one woman's affection. He didn't have to compete at all. (Especially since that movie with Diana Ross.) He was the hot commodity. Women were competing for that one man. They were willing to do whatever to get him. Women were throwing themselves at him, paying rent, cooking dinner, buying him clothes and other fine things...anything to get the affections of this young tender.

So if brothas like Billy Dee all of a sudden didn't have to work hard to get a woman...why would they? And if every woman wanted him..why pick just one lady? The game then changed to him being greedy, picking and choosing what lady to spend his time with based solely on the woman's looks and what they were willing to do for him. Ain't much changed since then. The modern day Billy Dee's are now the chocolate Morris Chestnuts of today. Nowadays it isn't necessarily women throwing themselves at these modern day Billy Dee's because of fame or their handsomeness. It is mostly due to the size of their dick, how well they can fuck, or maybe even the mystery of what "thug love" is like. Some of the brothas ain't worth shit, ain't gonna be shit, even their mama's know they ain't shit. But they still play the game Billy Dee's way and have been successful in dropping women's panties to this day. Damn that Billy Dee for changing the game, damn, damn, damn!

Vagi Wipes are for guys too


Yep I said it. Vagi wipes are for guys too. Men if you want your lady to come over and give you a "nooner" at lunch time, please prepare you balls and penis ahead of time. Please don't act as if you don't know what I mean. Your nut saks have been marinating in your boxers for at least 5 hours if you get your showers in the morning and 14 hours if you got a bath last nite. Please believe that little ventilation in the middle of your drawls is not good enough to keep your balls from sweating. Therefore you must do the same preparation as the sistas and "freshen up" before your girl comes over to give you head or let you hit it from the back. Now if you have plans to bang her out at lunch time, either of you more than likely won't have time to get a shower. This is where Vagi wipes come in. They are cheap and convenient you can even buy the individually wrapped kind and discretely put it in your wallet. You don't have to buy the kind that say "VAGISIL" on them but you get the point. And sistas if you don't know now you know the same rule applies to us. Just putting some perfume on your panties isn't good enough. We also must "freshen up" and use the wipes as well if we want to sit on his face and be his lunch for the day. But remember....ALWAYS WIPE FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK!

P.S. Boys please wipe from the from the front to back too. We don't want to taste any shitty balls. So serious.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

It's Your Beauty AND your Booty




You got to use all that your mama gave you to get this man off! Never ever focus on the body parts that don't look like Beyonce and em'. Focus on what you do have going on! You got nice titties show off those bad boys, rub his dick all around them. If you got a nice ass, make sure you position your body so that your ass is all up in the air for him to see! Swing that ass around and around when you are sucking that dick! Let that see that sexiness, that beautiful round brown! If you got nice legs, suck his dick 69 style with heels on. Glide your soft sexy legs up and down his torso when you are tasting him. Whatever you got going on... remember that you can always go to the next level of freaky by letting him orgasm on it and let him watch it glide, slide, slippidy slide down those titties, ass, legs, or whatever.

Confidence is Key!

Know that you are sexy. Know that you have something he wants, and you have the power to give it to him! So be prepared to give it to him the right way! I know women have things they don’t like about their body. Get over it! Trust me. He's not tripping on your stretch marks or cellulite. Nothing is more unattractive than a woman that doesn’t believe or feel she is sexy. Fact is guys don’t like shy girls, but they love a woman with confidence. So if you don’t have it you won’t be successful in the bedroom, especially with the dick sucking. Even if you have to fake your confidence...put your game face on cuz you are going to need to believe your skills are the bomb in order for him to feel you are the bomb!

Self Reflection: Why do you want to give Ultra Head Experience?


Are you motivated by vanity? Are you trying to be the topic conversation with his boys? Do you want to be that girl that gave him the best head he ever had? Well we all do ain’t no shame in it. Who doesn’t want to be all that they can be? Or maybe you want diamonds, Gucci, and gold, well if he is a generous man, and your doing it right…you can definitely strive for that too. Once you have your goals/what you want to accomplish, it will be much easier to get yourself mentally prepared to give your cuddy buddy the Ultra Head Experience.

Welcome to Memoirs of Madame Fellatio

After reading tid bits of my memoir, you will find some entertaining but basic methods and techniques that are essential in giving your cuddy buddy “Ultra Head”. Ultra Head…it isn’t for the meek, it ain’t for the shy, and face it….ain’t for every man! This memoir is also for heterosexual fellatio. I have no idea what the gays are into so if you are reading this and you are a gay man and find it helpful…good for you, glad I could help! Moving on….After a few fun reads you should be more confident in your performance and will definitely assist your cuddy buddy in reaching higher levels of pleasure and you just might get some diamonds too. (But there’s no guarantee.)

I'll Holla!