Friday, May 15, 2009

Stains in the Underware is Never Ok!

Come on we are all adults here. There is no need for chocolate stains in our intimate apparel. Ladies we are all human and I think someone would be lying if they said they never had an "menstrual accident" at one point or another in their lifetime. So when you do stain the panties what do you do? Do you through them away? Do you you bleach the hell out of them and wear them again? Well I for one say ditch those panties. Throw them away. All the bleach in the world never really gets the stain out. You never know when your man might see these panties. How many of you have seen that show on MTV where people pick a date with you based on what they find while rummaging through your personal stuff? Well I have and I have seen more than one episode on a girl with stained drawls nationally embarrassed cuz the dude went through their panty drawer. Now those ladies could have actually had menstruation stains, they might not have been dookey stains, but does the guy care? Hell to the nawl! He only thinks you don't know how to wipe your own ass properly. Which means your nasty. Nobody wants to lay with a nasty girl. So just throw the stained drawls away! If you choose not to...well I hope your boo thang never goes lurking through your panty drawer.

P.S. To all the brothas...the same advice goes to you too. Wipe with a moist towelette if you have to. There are no excuses for you to have dookey stained drawls.

I'll Holla

You got to inspect the dick

Ladies before performing the art of got to inspect the dick and its surroundings! It starts at the man-panties. YOU take off his man panties! First things first. You check the crotch of his drawls. If they got shit stains new or oldplease don’t suck this niggas dick he can’t even clean himself properly and got the nerve to share his dirty dick with you!

Look at that niggas dick. This is your opportunity to see if you want to fool with this nigga at all. If he ain’t got the size you want…leave that dick alone! If his dick has more bumps than a Nestle Crunch Bar…leave that dick alone! If it has patchy discoloration like he is black and the patch on his dick is neon pink…leave that dick alone! If the dick has scratch marks on it…leave it alone! That nigga has been scratching the shit out of himself for a reason, he got something. If anything is oozing or has pus, please leave that dick alone.

Smell the dick. If it smells rank like an old ham sandwich and chitlings…leave it alone! If his dick smells like he just went pee pee on himself. Leave it alone! He doesn’t know how to wipe his pee pee head properly. If his dick smells like perfume…that’s suspect…he might be trying to cover an odor of somekind. Use your best judgement on that one.

Don’t forget to check the balls! If he has too much hair…leave it alone. You can’t properly inspect the area if it is so hairy you can bungie jump off his nut sacks. Remember balls sweat and stink. If you add a gang of hair on the balls that means the balls will be even more stinky and sweaty. Not to mention bugs, lice, crabs, etc can reside within that bush! Use caution!

Most importantly…these are just guidelines of safety. Some dirty dicks might not have any of the above issues so always use caution. And remember…if he has a combination of any of the above things. Please leave that dick alone and refer him to a free clinic.

When did the game change?

What happened to the time where brothas were gentlemen towards a lady and courted her properly? What happened to the days when a brotha would ask a lady out to dinner and a movie, give her a kiss on the cheek and expect nothing else? What happened to dating only one woman at a time? Well I tell you what happened....Billy Dee Williams that's what happened.

He pioneered the game, he made light skin with good hair the standard. He was a man of mystery, suave, looked good, and knew what the women wanted/needed. He was the type of man that made your grandma take off her panties, then ask Jesus for forgiveness on Sunday morning. Don't believe me ask your granny. Oh yes that Billy Dee and all brothas like him in his era are to blame.

All the ladies wanted him and he knew it. Instead of choosing one lady to court, he choose a few at a time. Instead of Billy Dee competing for one woman's affection. He didn't have to compete at all. (Especially since that movie with Diana Ross.) He was the hot commodity. Women were competing for that one man. They were willing to do whatever to get him. Women were throwing themselves at him, paying rent, cooking dinner, buying him clothes and other fine things...anything to get the affections of this young tender.

So if brothas like Billy Dee all of a sudden didn't have to work hard to get a woman...why would they? And if every woman wanted him..why pick just one lady? The game then changed to him being greedy, picking and choosing what lady to spend his time with based solely on the woman's looks and what they were willing to do for him. Ain't much changed since then. The modern day Billy Dee's are now the chocolate Morris Chestnuts of today. Nowadays it isn't necessarily women throwing themselves at these modern day Billy Dee's because of fame or their handsomeness. It is mostly due to the size of their dick, how well they can fuck, or maybe even the mystery of what "thug love" is like. Some of the brothas ain't worth shit, ain't gonna be shit, even their mama's know they ain't shit. But they still play the game Billy Dee's way and have been successful in dropping women's panties to this day. Damn that Billy Dee for changing the game, damn, damn, damn!

Vagi Wipes are for guys too

Yep I said it. Vagi wipes are for guys too. Men if you want your lady to come over and give you a "nooner" at lunch time, please prepare you balls and penis ahead of time. Please don't act as if you don't know what I mean. Your nut saks have been marinating in your boxers for at least 5 hours if you get your showers in the morning and 14 hours if you got a bath last nite. Please believe that little ventilation in the middle of your drawls is not good enough to keep your balls from sweating. Therefore you must do the same preparation as the sistas and "freshen up" before your girl comes over to give you head or let you hit it from the back. Now if you have plans to bang her out at lunch time, either of you more than likely won't have time to get a shower. This is where Vagi wipes come in. They are cheap and convenient you can even buy the individually wrapped kind and discretely put it in your wallet. You don't have to buy the kind that say "VAGISIL" on them but you get the point. And sistas if you don't know now you know the same rule applies to us. Just putting some perfume on your panties isn't good enough. We also must "freshen up" and use the wipes as well if we want to sit on his face and be his lunch for the day. But remember....ALWAYS WIPE FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK!

P.S. Boys please wipe from the from the front to back too. We don't want to taste any shitty balls. So serious.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

It's Your Beauty AND your Booty

You got to use all that your mama gave you to get this man off! Never ever focus on the body parts that don't look like Beyonce and em'. Focus on what you do have going on! You got nice titties show off those bad boys, rub his dick all around them. If you got a nice ass, make sure you position your body so that your ass is all up in the air for him to see! Swing that ass around and around when you are sucking that dick! Let that see that sexiness, that beautiful round brown! If you got nice legs, suck his dick 69 style with heels on. Glide your soft sexy legs up and down his torso when you are tasting him. Whatever you got going on... remember that you can always go to the next level of freaky by letting him orgasm on it and let him watch it glide, slide, slippidy slide down those titties, ass, legs, or whatever.

Confidence is Key!

Know that you are sexy. Know that you have something he wants, and you have the power to give it to him! So be prepared to give it to him the right way! I know women have things they don’t like about their body. Get over it! Trust me. He's not tripping on your stretch marks or cellulite. Nothing is more unattractive than a woman that doesn’t believe or feel she is sexy. Fact is guys don’t like shy girls, but they love a woman with confidence. So if you don’t have it you won’t be successful in the bedroom, especially with the dick sucking. Even if you have to fake your confidence...put your game face on cuz you are going to need to believe your skills are the bomb in order for him to feel you are the bomb!

Self Reflection: Why do you want to give Ultra Head Experience?

Are you motivated by vanity? Are you trying to be the topic conversation with his boys? Do you want to be that girl that gave him the best head he ever had? Well we all do ain’t no shame in it. Who doesn’t want to be all that they can be? Or maybe you want diamonds, Gucci, and gold, well if he is a generous man, and your doing it right…you can definitely strive for that too. Once you have your goals/what you want to accomplish, it will be much easier to get yourself mentally prepared to give your cuddy buddy the Ultra Head Experience.

Welcome to Memoirs of Madame Fellatio

After reading tid bits of my memoir, you will find some entertaining but basic methods and techniques that are essential in giving your cuddy buddy “Ultra Head”. Ultra Head…it isn’t for the meek, it ain’t for the shy, and face it….ain’t for every man! This memoir is also for heterosexual fellatio. I have no idea what the gays are into so if you are reading this and you are a gay man and find it helpful…good for you, glad I could help! Moving on….After a few fun reads you should be more confident in your performance and will definitely assist your cuddy buddy in reaching higher levels of pleasure and you just might get some diamonds too. (But there’s no guarantee.)

I'll Holla!