Thursday, June 18, 2009

Field Trip to the Porn Shop

So for laughs and giggles me and the girls took a field trip to one of our local porn shops on the "Latin" part of town. I swear everytime my girls go to places like this we meet new and exciting people and are amazed at the level of freaky people seem to be on.

So we are browsing through the dildo section and we come a cross a section where there were seperate little cubicals. I ask one of the store workers what was back there. He said it was private video rooms. I asked why do they have to be private? As soon as I said that a man comes from the video room adjusting his dick and zipping up his pants. Me and the store clerk look at each other and start busting up laughing. I was like clean up on aisle 9! Eeeew gross. I then began interviewing him what he finds in those rooms. He said he finds condoms, fluid, etc. He says because people are off the chain with their shannagins back there, that he makes sure only one person goes in at a time. No sexing in his shop. And he gives people 30minutes to do their shopping and get the hell out. I laughed.

We came across some interesting material dildos with 1/2inch prickly do dads on them that looks painful. But the most shocking is that this store had a full selection of pregnant porn and sex toys for pregnant woman. I was like whoa! I guess the pregnant lady has to get hers too. But to see pregnant ladies getting all dug out on the porn cover just seemed like too much for me. Those men should be ashamed busting nuts on the babies head and stuff. LOL.

Took an Aids Test-It was a horrible experience!

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Ok so I'm all about trying to have a safe sex life and decided to go into Kaiser for an "Aids Test". My doctor told me before I could take the test I had to speak with a counselor. I'm like for what? All they are going to do is draw some blood right? Wrong. I had to speak with this counselor and she played 21 questions with me. I mean she was all up in my personal business. I bullshit you not when I tell yaul the questions she asked me:
  1. How many sexual partners have you had in the your life?
  2. How many sexual partnesrs have you had in the last 6 months?
  3. In the last 6 months have you or your partner used marajuana, ecstacy, cocaine, etc.
  4. Do you practice oral sex? (hells yes I am Madame Fellatio lol.)
  5. When you practice oral sex do you let him ejaculate in your mouth? (I was like WTF? Do you let your nigga come in your mouth?)
  6. Do you have anal sex?
  7. Do you have anal sex then oral sex without a condom. (hell naul I wouldn't let nobody put their dick in my ass. And if I did I damn sure wouldn't turn around and lick my own shit!)
  8. To your knowledge has any of your sex partners had same sex intercourse? (Hell naul I'd kill a nigga dead if I found out he was on the down low lady!)
  9. Do you let him ejaculate on your body & skin surfaces? (What the hell kinda question..)
  10. Have you ingested semen in the last 6 months? (At this point this nurse must want me to slap her.)

I felt so violated with the line of questions. I even had to look at her chart a few times to see if the questions she was asking me was ligitmate. I felt like telling the lady. Look...I'm a grown ass woman doing grown ass things just take my blood so I can get the hell out of here!

The nurse even gave me homework to do before I return next week for my results. WTF HIV homework? She wants me to go and take a shower with my current partner and inspect his goodies and report back what I find. I was like WTF are you kidding me? First off I am "Madame Fellatio" ok I always "inspect the dick"! She was treating me like I already had the disease without even taking a blood sample!

Needless to say since this is Kaiser's practice.... this will be the last HIV test I'm taking from them. None the less I don't want to discourage anyone from taking sexual responsibility and knowing their HIV status. It's important. Just find a facilty that works for you!


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Face Down Ass Up

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
This is one of my personal favorites. For both oral and regular sex but is this an acceptable position for "him" to be in? Most guys like to have their balls sucked, licked and even stroked with the fingers. And if the girl really knows what she is doing...she will even lick that area that leads from the balls to the ass. Now having said that the face down ass up position for him seem logical right?

Personally, I see the face down ass up position of submission. Lets face it..its a bitch position. That is why a lot of guys will say "hell no I won't do that I ain't gay." Well they all say that at first. LOL. So if I can get a nigga comfortable to get oral pleasure face down ass up I feel like youz a bitch and I'm running shit. Now if my oral game wasn't on point I know they wouldn't even consider it.

Ladies step up your oral game and see if your man will let you get him face down ass up.


Kill Yourself Moments

Your 40 years old and married ten years and you don't know how to suck a dick? And you still wonder why you are getting a divorce.....Kill yourself.

You don't wear clean panties because you didn't think you were going to fuck today? You nasty. Kill yourself.

You scratching your ass in public trying to play it off like you got a murphy. Wash your ass then...Kill yourself.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Passing Gas During Sex

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Passing gas aka "shitting on yourself." One of the most embarassing acts that can happen to an individual while sexing. Your bumping and grinding and the next thing you hear is rrrip. Sweet Jesus someone just shitted on themselves! What do you do? If it was your "boo thang" do you pretend you didn't hear it and keep trying to reach your climax? If you were the guilty you say excuse me and hop off the dick in shame?

And what about queefs? You know that embarassing noise the couchie can sometimes make when there is too much air going in and out. Well I tell no lie I have definately queefed, and I think guys expect that would happen from time to time. So in my exprience it hasn't bothered them they keep doing their business on top of me. LOL

However I do remember a nigga that would be on top of me shitting on himself with every stroke. At first I played it off. Then when it kept happening I was like hell to the naul. I told him he had to get the hell off of me and get some bean-o in his system. How the hell he gonna be gassing on me while I am trying to get mine? Gross. I wish I can say I never got the business from him again, but I would be lying. What can I say the dick was good.

Moral of the story is...if you have the bubble guts...don't have sex.


Pole Dancing For Jesus?!

(Click on the title to view.)

We are in the last of days! Please watch then pray for this guy cuz he going straight to bottomless pit!

Cold, Hot, & Super Wet

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
Just like guys like wet warm pussy, guys like a super wet mouth. The goal is to make your mouth feel like your pussy. It has to be wet. So if your giving your “boo thang” oral pleasure and your mouth is getting dry here are some techniques to use.

Drink cold water before you suck dick. It will keep your mouth, tongue, and lips hydrated. If you find your mouth is getting dry…Deep throat. It will automatically produce more saliva in your mouth. I’m not a scientist, I just know what works. I promise it will rain in your mouth if you deep throat.

You can also add a temperature change. Make your mouth cold. Keep a glass of ice near the bed, or ice cream, or whatever is cold and put it in your mouth for a few seconds. Then suck or lick his dick he will love the cold sensation. Don’t be afraid to switch it up cold, then hot.

But whatever you do it must always be wet. So if you have a problem with keeping a wet mouth deep throating may be for you. Also, you may want to consider dropping saliva down on his dick, in a sexy way let him see you do it and swirl your tongue around it on the dick head and shaft. He will love that! If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch a porno.

Book Review: Sexual Abuse & How it affects our Sex Life

From Memoirs of Madame Fellatio
This is a discussion of the book "Push" by Sapphire. This is a book that Tyler Perry and Oprah are turning in to a movie called "Precious" in the fall.

This book is a bout a urban obese teen that was abused by both her mother and her father. The things that this girl endured straight sickend me. Not only was her father finger banging her and sticking his dick in her at age 3, her fat mother was making her eat her stank ass pussy as well... This poor child even had two of her father's children starting at age 12!

I don't want to spoil the book for anyone so I will stop there. But what truely makes me mad is that the system failed her. She should have been yanked by CPS with the first kid. The book really made me stop and think of how many children are out there being abused behind closed doors, how adults see the signs of abuse, and ain't doing a damn thing about it. No young child should ever have to endure what this young lady went through.

Unfortunately, the abuse and early sexual experiences with her parents mold her relationships and sexual behavior for the rest of her life! I wonder how many women are uncomfortable with sex, ashamed of their bodies, homosexual, bi-sexual, or maybe even bonified freaks because of sexual abuse.

If you were a victim of sexual abuse, let me begin by saying I'm sorry that this happened to you and encourage you to get some counseling or join a support group of women with similar experiences. If you have struggles with overcoming this abuse and/or have intimacy issues please seek out help you deserve to have a happy and satisfying sex life!

I encourage everyone to read this book and go see the movie this fall.